Only people who were royal used to get everything they wanted. English king "Henry the VIII" is an obvious example. Paintings depict him as seriously overweight, so he probably ate way more than he needed to. He left the ruling church so he could marry more than one wife. Then there are the stories that he knocked off every wife who could not provide him with a male heir so he could try a different one. Royals like King Henry VIII had a lot of control over how they lived because they had an overabundance of stored resources (like land, riches, and other people) at their disposal. But this did not mean “Bronze Age” leaders were inherently evil. Royals who cared about their subjects distributed resources fairly, while royals who didn’t care, did not. But most royal subjects didn’t mind having such strong centralized leadership, even if their king or queen was greedy, because it took strong centralized power and coordination to move the food and supplies that everyone needed. The Middle Age social structure was also predictable, which would make any typical royal follower feel relatively secure. Yet if I had the power of a royal and could pick a specific time-period in which to exist, I would NOT pick the Middle Age -- I would pick the Stone Age. While this imaginary choice may seem risky (since living like a cave-dweller was probably much more difficult than living royal,) perhaps the following backstory of “Cavegirl Claire” will help explain my position.
So Claire's situation sounds pretty dire. Why would anyone choose this insanely hostile environment to exist in if they could have theoretically grown up in a castle surrounded by unending platters of food, servants and gold? You've probably heard the phrase "Survival of the Fittest." But unexpectedly, the researcher who coined that phrase did not intend it to mean "Survival of the Strongest," or even "Survival of the Smartest." He meant it to mean "Survival of the Most Adaptable," and even though Claire had a rough life, she also knew how to adapt. She knew because she had very few expectations about what life might throw at her. She also had good Stone Age parents. They did not coddle her, or try to control her very often...and that is because cave-dwellers trusted their instincts. Claire was programmed to observe what the older people in her surroundings were doing and copy those that seemed successful. Each situation she observed taught her a different set of actions, so she was constantly learning. At the same time, Claire got to experiment and take risks once in a while, so she learned to be confident in herself and who she should trust around her. She knew what her strengths and weaknesses were -- and she knew she would have help if she needed it. Yet her learning conditions were far from ideal. Claire saw death every day, and she went hungry often, but her parents did not feel overly responsible for those things. Everyone in her tribe saw death and everyone was hungry, and the people around Claire were not entirely in control of what was happening to them as a tribe either. There were no luxuries when one lived as a cave-dweller, but cave-dwellers did not expect anything that specific in the first place. Everything was learned through a combination of imitation and trial and error. The mistakes Claire made, made her feel bad...like she let the people around her down...but her tribe would forgive her and she would try again. If she stopped doing things, however, she would be of no use to her tribe. Only then would she be killed, cast-out or abandoned. And giving up was not Claire's MO.
Now you may be wondering how I could possibly compare the way Claire grew up with the pampered life-style of someone royal. I can't. I do, however, see many similarities in how it probably felt to live royal and how some modern families live. I can also see how being a kid during the Information Age is still not better than growing up during the Stone Age.
Consider Jet. He is a modern kid with "snow-plow" parents: they prepare Jet's surroundings for him instead of preparing Jet for his surroundings. Jet's folks have always had access to the internet and the latest technology, so their lives are very efficient. Almost everything that happens in Jet's life happens the way his parents planned it, so he feels important and well taken care of. His parents are very concerned with his safety, so they do not let him take very many risks. Jet's parents shop online a lot, so they can get Jet pretty much anything he wants. He notices, though, that most people outside his family are not as responsive as his parents, so he likes hanging out at home. He also notices how "in control" everyone around him seems to be, so he strives to be that way too. If he needs help with something, for example, he might not bother his parents with it -- oftentimes it is easier to ask the internet, anyway. But when Jet does need something from his folks, they sometimes act more like servants than parents. They do not require him to do things he does not want to do, and he hardly ever wants to try new things (aside from the latest online game). He is used to having a remote control lifestyle; when he pushes a button, he gets what he wants. It's efficient too, so Jet feels like he fits in, but the downside is that he may not feel he is completely separate from his surroundings since his surroundings seem to bend to his will. But Claire KNEW she was separate and not in control. She learned she was not totally responsible for what went on around her and that made her brave enough to take risks. Jet's parents found it easier to let Jet think he was the boss of everything, but their strategy is short-sighted; He experiments, but only online -- and he belittles ideas from his bedroom. Socially, Jet does not know his strengths and weaknesses and does not know what he can tolerate from others. Modern kids like Jet have the power of Royalty, but limited life experience.
Now if you are a modern parent, you may have begun to see that we are not doing our kids any favors when we act like snow-plow parents. Our kids won't know how to adjust to new situations if we totally control the world they grow up in. Self-confidence is necessary for participation in off-line society, and if they don't trust themselves, our kids won't feel brave enough to participate in life. Royals had the "luxury" of not having to participate in regular society, but if the majority of modern people don't participate, there may not be a balanced human society in the future. Let go of some of your expectations: expectations of your kids and yourself. Some of them are not realistic or fair. Let kids be kids by letting them play, face-to-face, without a "purpose" so they can figure stuff out on their own. Be the valve, not the dam. Let things in, just gradually. It takes effort and concentration, but we can make it a habit. And just as Claire experienced, our kids also need to know we have their back when they do try something new. All this put together might sound like a lot, but we can start by just making sure kids get what they need, not everything they want. And if they happen to have access to unfiltered technological devices, let's make sure the internet does not get to know our kids better than we do.
Up Next: The sermon continues in "The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth...(but who's gonna want it?) "
Brussoni, M (2017). Why Kids Need Risk, Fear and Excitement in Play. The Conversation, Online. https://theconve
Bergland, C. (2019). The Athlete's Way: Learning to "Expect Nothing" Helped Reshape my Pessimistic Mindset. Psychology Today, Online https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201910/learning-expect-nothing-reshaped-my-pessimistic-mindset
Ellis, B et al (2017). Beyond Risk and Protective Factors: An Adaption-based Approach to Resilience. Perspectives on Psychological Science, Sage Journals. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1745691617693054
Fromm, E. (1941). Escape From Freedom. Farrar and Rinehart, New York.
Garfield, Z.H., Garfield, M.J. & Hewlett, B.S. (2016). A Cross-Cultural Analysis of Hunter-Gather Social Learning. Department of Anthropology, Washington State University (Vancouver.)
Geher, G. (2018). Darwin's Advice for Parents. Darwin's Subterranean World, Psychology Today. https://www.
Henrich, J. (2016). The Secret of Our Success: How Culture is Driving Human Evolution, Domesticating Our Species, and Making us Smarter. Princeton University Press, Princeton (NJ) & Oxford (UK).
There was a full moon the last time Claire saw her family...and the moon was the reason she went by herself. It was late spring, and while she was not normally brave enough to leave the campsites alone at night, the moonlight that was reflecting off the surrounding snow created a glow that gave her an extra boost of confidence -- and nature was calling. She did not think she would be gone long, but she grabbed a ladder and a spear, just in case. (She may have been feeling cocky, but she was not stupid.) She tied the spear to the ladder, slung the ladder over her back, and climbed out of the tiny canyon her tribe had been calling home since the last full moon. It had been nice not having to move every few days, and the high rocks had helped trap body heat, as well as shelter the campfires from the last of the cold winter winds. But the days were getting warmer, and the snow would not be around for much longer. As she finished her business near the top of the canyon, she heard a scuffling noise...and panting. It sounded like wolves attempting to scale some nearby rocks. She quickly ran to a large boulder, swung her ladder in front of her, and used it to scramble to the top. Just as she pulled the ladder up behind her, the wolves surrounded the boulder. She was about to start shouting for help when she heard another sound -- the sound of rushing water. A lot of it. Her mind flashed to the distant rumbling of thunder she had just heard as she left her cave. She thought about the large beaver dam she and her friends had been using as a bridge further up the canyon. Had the dam failed? She also thought about how some of her friends had been told to kill many of the beaver because the tribe was cold and hungry when they first arrived in the area -- and she wondered if that had hurt the balance. She could not see the water rushing toward the campsites, but it sounded very close-by. The wolves heard it too but remained focused on her. She was trapped, but now her fellow cave-dwellers needed more help than she did.
Claire felt panicked and helpless all at once. She heard a few shouts, but mostly just the sound of raging water. After what seemed like forever, the flooding started to subside. Then the wolves started losing interest in her. A few of them had splintered off and were soon howling excitedly some distance away. The others followed. The fires that had been protecting Claire's tribe from predators had certainly been put out by the surge of water -- but even worse, her entire tribe had been drowned, and Claire was totally alone. She was terrified. She knew she could not fight off the pack of wolves by herself, so she used her ladder to climb off the boulder...and she ran. She knew she should stay quiet, out of sight, and dampen her scent with snow. If she could avoid detection, find food, and travel far enough, she might be able to find another tribe. She knew these things because she listened to the stories the hunters told about how they survived when they were away from the campsites. But now those hunters, her family, and her entire tribe, were dead. Claire was on her own.
Now you may be wondering how I could possibly compare the way Claire grew up with the pampered life-style of someone royal. I can't. I do, however, see many similarities in how it probably felt to live royal and how some modern families live. I can also see how being a kid during the Information Age is still not better than growing up during the Stone Age.
Consider Jet. He is a modern kid with "snow-plow" parents: they prepare Jet's surroundings for him instead of preparing Jet for his surroundings. Jet's folks have always had access to the internet and the latest technology, so their lives are very efficient. Almost everything that happens in Jet's life happens the way his parents planned it, so he feels important and well taken care of. His parents are very concerned with his safety, so they do not let him take very many risks. Jet's parents shop online a lot, so they can get Jet pretty much anything he wants. He notices, though, that most people outside his family are not as responsive as his parents, so he likes hanging out at home. He also notices how "in control" everyone around him seems to be, so he strives to be that way too. If he needs help with something, for example, he might not bother his parents with it -- oftentimes it is easier to ask the internet, anyway. But when Jet does need something from his folks, they sometimes act more like servants than parents. They do not require him to do things he does not want to do, and he hardly ever wants to try new things (aside from the latest online game). He is used to having a remote control lifestyle; when he pushes a button, he gets what he wants. It's efficient too, so Jet feels like he fits in, but the downside is that he may not feel he is completely separate from his surroundings since his surroundings seem to bend to his will. But Claire KNEW she was separate and not in control. She learned she was not totally responsible for what went on around her and that made her brave enough to take risks. Jet's parents found it easier to let Jet think he was the boss of everything, but their strategy is short-sighted; He experiments, but only online -- and he belittles ideas from his bedroom. Socially, Jet does not know his strengths and weaknesses and does not know what he can tolerate from others. Modern kids like Jet have the power of Royalty, but limited life experience.
Now if you are a modern parent, you may have begun to see that we are not doing our kids any favors when we act like snow-plow parents. Our kids won't know how to adjust to new situations if we totally control the world they grow up in. Self-confidence is necessary for participation in off-line society, and if they don't trust themselves, our kids won't feel brave enough to participate in life. Royals had the "luxury" of not having to participate in regular society, but if the majority of modern people don't participate, there may not be a balanced human society in the future. Let go of some of your expectations: expectations of your kids and yourself. Some of them are not realistic or fair. Let kids be kids by letting them play, face-to-face, without a "purpose" so they can figure stuff out on their own. Be the valve, not the dam. Let things in, just gradually. It takes effort and concentration, but we can make it a habit. And just as Claire experienced, our kids also need to know we have their back when they do try something new. All this put together might sound like a lot, but we can start by just making sure kids get what they need, not everything they want. And if they happen to have access to unfiltered technological devices, let's make sure the internet does not get to know our kids better than we do.
Up Next: The sermon continues in "The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth...(but who's gonna want it?) "
References
Brussoni, M (2017). Why Kids Need Risk, Fear and Excitement in Play. The Conversation, Online. https://theconve
Bergland, C. (2019). The Athlete's Way: Learning to "Expect Nothing" Helped Reshape my Pessimistic Mindset. Psychology Today, Online https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201910/learning-expect-nothing-reshaped-my-pessimistic-mindset
Ellis, B et al (2017). Beyond Risk and Protective Factors: An Adaption-based Approach to Resilience. Perspectives on Psychological Science, Sage Journals. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1745691617693054
Fromm, E. (1941). Escape From Freedom. Farrar and Rinehart, New York.
Garfield, Z.H., Garfield, M.J. & Hewlett, B.S. (2016). A Cross-Cultural Analysis of Hunter-Gather Social Learning. Department of Anthropology, Washington State University (Vancouver.)
Geher, G. (2018). Darwin's Advice for Parents. Darwin's Subterranean World, Psychology Today. https://www.
Henrich, J. (2016). The Secret of Our Success: How Culture is Driving Human Evolution, Domesticating Our Species, and Making us Smarter. Princeton University Press, Princeton (NJ) & Oxford (UK).
Koenig, S. (2017). How Social Media Exploits Our Moral Emotions.
Lisle, D.J. & Goldhamer, D.C. (2003). The Pleasure Trap: Mastering the Hidden Force that Undermines Health and Happiness. Healthy Living Publications, Tennessee.
Pinker, S. (2015). The Village Effect: How Face-to-face Contact can make us Healthier and Happier. Random House, Canada.
Urist, J. (2014). What the Marshmellow Test Really Teaches us about Self-control: An Interview with Walter Mischel. The Atlantic, Health. https://www.theatlantic.com/
Click on "Congirl vs Cavegirl" above to see older posts. Comment below. Thanks!
© 2020 Penny Fie. All rights reserved.
Click on "Congirl vs Cavegirl" above to see older posts. Comment below. Thanks!
© 2020 Penny Fie. All rights reserved.
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